.....locked within


Did you ever have a diary as a child?  I think back then it was generally a girl thing.  I had a few over the years.  Small hardback with the little lock on the front.  And of course, a key.

But even with the lock and key I never felt comfortable putting my deepest innermost feelings in there.  I just couldn’t bring myself to be that vulnerable.  To opening myself up on paper with that slight possibility of someone breaking in.  So most of my diary entries went something like this…..

Dear Diary,
I went to school today.  I love my math class but the English teacher is such a nerd.  Janet’s hair looked really bad today.  After school we worked on our new club.  I told everyone that I would be the president……..and so on.

This year I wanted to give a gift to each of my students and the message from the Universe was ‘give journals.’  So I did. 

They are hard bound lined journals with beautiful covers, but no lock.  No key.  So it brought up some diary talk amongst the classes.  Stories of brothers breaking into them and writing comments.  Of being taunted with the diary held up in the air.  Or like me, never feeling they could write anything weighty. 

Journaling is special and is a tool used on the spiritual journey.  It allows us to take what it is that we want, that we feel, that we long for, and form it into words.  It gives voice to our inner creativity, taking what is within and bringing it forth in a magnificent flow.  It is where we state our intentions and let go of our grief.  Question our beliefs and note the messages we are receiving from the Universe.  Journaling is our partner in the manifestation process we call life. 

When I first began journaling eight years ago it read much like my old diaries.  No risk taking.  No courage.  BORING.  Letting the absence of a key or a good hiding place hold me back from expressing me.  From being me or stating my truths.  From exposing who I am hidden deep within this Sarah costume.

When you stop to think about it, how crazy is that?  That somehow i don’t want anyone to know the deepest most vulnerable parts of my soul.  The places that are most real.  The places that if unlocked would make me whole.  What exactly am I afraid of?

Instead we prefer to float on the surface where it feels safe.  Wearing our masks and speaking what we know those around us will be most comfortable with.  Why?  What will happen if we tear ourselves open for others to see?  Exposing our inner light.  As my mother always asks, ‘What is the worst thing that can happen?’

As one women was leaving class after receiving  her journal, she turned and asked, ‘But what if someone reads it?’

I paused.  Yes, what if someone reads it indeed.  Perhaps then the genuine conversations and real healing could begin.  Maybe just maybe our connections could all come from a much deeper place.  Our souls could converse.

Two days later my husband walked up the steps saying  “Look what I found….”  He was carrying two spiral notebooks.  He handed me the one that said Sarah Jackson on top.  These were the notebooks from our Pre-Cana weekend which was a requirement for a Catholic wedding.  I was 22.  Gulp.

Very funny Universe.

…….more to follow

Do you have the key to unlock me?